Back when I was a boy, our family would watch the TV show, F Troop. It was a western spoof set in the 1860’s. In the show there were hapless soldiers and a Native American tribe called the Hekawi Indians. They would all be involved in half-baked schemes. Their chief, Wild Eagle would always say “We are lovers not fighters”. Well I am a Hekawi too. The last fight I was involved in was with Bobby Mackio in elementary school. Both of us were suspended for the week-end.
Errands caused me to go to the Costco Warehouse in Eden Prairie. A fine spot for various sundries and food in a beautiful warehouse setting. If you have never been to a Costco Warehouse, bring cash, lots of cash, or a debit card with your PIN number or an AMEX card issued by Costco. Otherwise you will be guilty of holding up commerce when you go to check out.
Families of four or more will find most everything packaged in quantities that they can eat before the expiration date arrives. Others beware. Costco has lots of great food stuffs to tempt you. They have these “events” involving senior citizens and younger circus people who heat up or mix bits of food and serve it into little paper soufflé cups to tempt you. This is how I fell prey to the Perdue, Bourbon Chicken Breast Bits, The Eat Smart Brand, Kale Vegetable Salad Kit, that contains 7 Super Foods and countless others .
The Costco Warehouse pharmacy and optical departments are great too. The people they have on staff are great. I have never been to a store with better people, anywhere.
After you push your cart around the immense Costco Warehouse, filling it with treasures, feeling it get heavier and heavier. You end up at the check out counter to pay for your $100 or more worth of stuff, the cheerful checkout people scan it all and then with a smile put it back into your cart in a used cardboard box.
My $100 worth of edible treasures, (I didn’t buy new underwear that day) along with over $100 worth of prescription medicine were heaped in my cart as I decided to stop at the Costco Warehouse food court for lunch.
Now everyone knows Costco Warehouse is famous for their Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog & Soft Drink Combo. The price of which has never changed since it’s inception. It was a tough choice, but I resisted the tube steak and went for the Chicken Bake. The Chicken Bake is a baked pastry roll stuffed with only the best chunks of white meat chicken, bacon bits and just enough ranch dressing to drip out like lava and burn the crap out of you during your first bite. I also bought a soft drink. I turned away from the food counter to find a seat. Again, the staff at the food court were wonderful!
Scanning the tables, I saw nothing on the outside edge, which is prime real estate because of the ease at which you can park your cart of purchases. The middle tables would leave me no place to put my cart close to me. On the right side there was lots of table space but not any great location to park my cart. I opted for a table near the end of the long stainless steel counter that was embellished with napkin dispensers, straw dispensers, and a condiment dispenser filled with Catsup, Ketchup, Mustard, Deli Mustard, and relish. If you need Sauerkraut or Onions go back to the service counter, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I carefully placed my cart so that it was not in the way of the condiment dispenser, because I am aware of the importance condiments in masking the taste of hot dogs in our culture. I parked my cart just to my right blocking only two of the many napkin dispensers. There was plenty of room to pass. It was carefully placed for three reasons. People need condiments, I needed to keep track of my purchases and there were many napkin dispensers available beyond my cart. I really was trying to be considerate.
Throngs of people milled around my cart getting napkins, straws, and condiments without incident. They got their condiments, they got their napkins, they got their straws. My cart didn’t move until these two guys strolled over to dress their Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog & Soft Drink Combos with condiments. The first one got his condiments and a napkin without moving my cart much. OK he bumped it. He was a big guy. The second guy was much less deft in his movements. Even though he could get what he wanted without moving my purchases, he decided to push my cart out of his way. His body english indicated that this cart was a personal affront and he would have none of it. He shoved my cart with disdain causing it to roll out of my line of vision. I was a little miffed that my cart was removed from my vision and control in that manner. I calmly got up, and with a bit of vigor attempted to pull my cart back and beyond the condiments, and out of his way.
In the process, the tape measure attached to his belt was grabbed by my cart and startled the hotdog guy. He yelled something in my direction about me being rude to his tape measure. I chose to disregard him and sat back down to continue eating my Chicken Bake. If you have never had one, they are really yummy.
Our hot dog guy went to his table and sat down and started to tell his bigger buddy what had just happened to his tape measure while getting condiments. He was very animated. Even the visually impaired could see him.
Viewing their costumes, one might surmise the two of them were tradesmen who had stopped at Costco Warehouse for lunch. They came to enjoy the Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog and Soft Drink Combo. Unfortunately, they happened to be seated in my line of vision. Afflicted with ADD caused me to notice the gesticulations caused by his injured tape measure. He noticed me, noticing him. Abruptly he got up leaving his Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog and Soft Drink Combo on the table with his colleague. He started moving briskly in my direction, while expounding his lack of understanding of human anatomy. Repeatedly he called me an Asshole in a very loud manner. He continued exclaiming that I was an Asshole as he made his way towards me.
I thought this whole human tragedy was laughable. It was obvious to me the guy was having a bad day. I wanted to laugh because the situation was so silly. But I did not. I have a tape measure too. I assured him that I was an Asshole. That confirmation defused his tape measure’s bravado and he turned and sat back down to masticate his Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog & Soft Drink Combo and babble with his friend.
My Chicken Bake disappeared. It was time for us to go. I eased my precious cart towards the exit door. I paused by the tradesman’s table and apologized for spoiling his day and enjoyment of his Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog & Soft Drink Combo.
On the way out another Costco customer who had witness the Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog & Soft Drink Combo and tape measure extravaganza in the Costco Warehouse food court asked me what had happened. He was expecting fisticuffs between myself and the Costco famous $1.50 All Beef Hot Dog & Soft Drink Combo guy.
I smiled and headed for my car hoping Netflix is streaming F Troop episodes.
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