Fair Hills Resort on Pelican Lake
Near Detroit Lakes Minnesota July 12-19, 2014
Here are my musings from our stay at Fair Hills Resort last week. We had not been back for ten years. We had a great time again.
July 12, 2014
We just had dinner and now I am sitting on a cardboard box that contains a brand new Mansfield Pro-Fit 2 toilet inside. We are on the deck looking out onto Pelican Lake. I have never sat on this box before, but I been on this deck many times.
My family is back at Fair Hills Resort after a 10 year hiatus. When the girls were little, She Who Must Be Obeyed decided we needed to have an annual family summer trip. She choose Fair Hills. We came whether we could afford it or not. We always came the same week. We always stayed in Cabin 59. We all made life long friends here at Fair Hills. The Balackos, the Fowlers, The Steinhiemers, The Joke Girl who has grown up and retired. Dallas, who still shows folks his stool sample, plus many others whose names I can’t remember.
Anyone remember the Fowler’s Pickled Pike Party on the deck?
Lez, set us up at our old table in the dining hall, Barb and Dave look just like they did when we left them. Beth and her minion have flourished in our absence. Cabin 59 has a new bathroom and a huge bed now. Wow! It is fun to see all the young kids and babies dragging their parents around. Oh! the memories.
We are here this year because our oldest daughter, Bunny decided that we should return after the statute of limitations ran out on the incident I was involved in. She is treating the whole family for the week, except for the golf cart and soda fountain. No worries.
Our youngest daughter, El Diablo, exclaimed that she could now see out the bathroom window! Ten years ago the window sill was too tall. She now has a view and a big girl design job in SF, CA.
Now I have only been here since 4 pm. I am starting to relax. She Who and the Girls have not made me play golf yet, or put me in a boat. They want to take me out and walk me tomorrow morning and see if I can keep up with Barb. I may just ride my Pugsley, write, whittle, and make some paracord survival bracelets for the kids, or maybe just do what I am told.
July 13, 2014
They walked me this morning. I was awakened at 6:30 and told to dress and then got pushed out the door of cabin 59 into the dew coated grass. When I stood up I realized that the geese were not very carefull where they pooped.
What a beautiful day! We assembled at the lodge and started the excursion. I had on my new shoes that my friend Jason gave me. Clam diggers, or you may call them Capri pants and my FH P4 tee shirt plus my long sleeve bug shirt topped off my ensemble.
Once we started walking I realized that I had not gotten the email telling me to wear my yellow FH tee shirt!
It was a nice brisk walk. I met more nice people. At the end we all waited at the camp where parents cast off their children for a week. Steve came and picked us up in the big pelican boat, and plied us with coffee to get us primed for breakfast as we motored back.
Li served us pancakes, eggs, French toast, sausages, blueberries, and also plied us with coffee. We brought along some guava jelly to put on Grandma’s brown bread. I would have prefered thick cut marmalade, but alas I forgot to pack some. I was just glad I did not have to cook any of it. Can you say vacation? I knew you could.
The girls went to play nine holes. I judiciously remained behind to ponder my existence. Pugsley and I roamed around camp a bit looking for guidance. Aqua Zumba was tempting. I even put on my one piece swim suit. The hot tub filled with kids was a better distraction. I sat there in the hot tube stretching while trying to remember what it was like to be a kid.
I went down to the lake to taunt the zebra mussels with my feet. The water proved too cold for a delicate flower such as myself. Back into the hot tub then: lunch time!
Lunch became a craft project for me. Meatballs sans gravy and potatoes were ordered. With my pocket knife I sliced the dinner buns that Li left on our table into thirds like a triple decker sandwich. Then I took the meat balls with all their oniony goodness and again with my pocket knife sliced them into 3/8 in thick slices. I ate the roundy ends for an appetizer. I combined the buns and meatball slices into what will be known from this day on as Fair Hills Sliders.
After lunch my vacation brain took hold of me. Zombie like tendencies ensued. Pugsley and I roamed from place to place. At the pavilion an espresso was installed while I whittled. It had little effect.
Back to 59 for a nap. It never happened. Instead I prepped a bunch of kid size paracord bracelets.
The mint was starting to fade in the cooler so the Girls decided it was mojito night and a pitcher was prepared. We carefully brought it over to the Tudor’s deck to share drinks and lies. The dinner bell rang and off we went to dinner.
Thanksgiving greeted us on the menu. Li brought us turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn. Ice cream and cookies followed.
A short walk brought us to Belarus. A beautiful eastern European country that was mostly destroyed in WWII. The Lithuanian contingent showed us their handsome Powerpoint. Did you know that they have one of the oldest IndoEuropean languages? Both groups then fed us some wonderful food from their countries.
Pugsley and I returned to cabin 59 to say good night to the girls, and get ready for bed.
They threatened to walk me again tomorrow and force me to play 2 club golf. Rain is in the forecast I hope.
July 14, 2014
I’m Done! Was the battle cry of the little lady at the table near us. When El Diablo was little she would say: Done! Done! Done! when she was full.
The lunch buffet was fun. Piano and trumpet to distract you. Grab and move! as John Pinnette would say.
Breakfast had been much calmer. Poached eggs and bacon with dry Grandma’s toast which was necessary after the walk, and the boat ride on the “Big Hypothermia”. Steve motored us back as quickly as he could to the dismay of the geese. We huddled behind the head to keep out of the wind. Barb was excited because sweatshirt sales were at an all time high. Luckily a big box arrived from Zappos.
I did my best rain dance to no avail this morning. They walked me again today. It was a bit chilly but I layered up. The good news is I had a half cup of artificial intelligence before we went walking. It did two things. It sort of woke me up and halfway through the walk it wanted to come out, which inspired me to walk faster.
Two club golf forced poor Steve M to drive me around in his cart. The girls were in another. Mr. Steve killed a birdie on hole #1. I was impressed. He said I parboiled a ball on 4. I don’t understand this crazy moon language of golf. My best hole got 12 strokes. At dinner I told his family that he should be Sainted for having to deal with me for 9 holes.
I set up an impromptu Fat Bike symposium on the deck this afternoon. People were turned away because of the load limit of the deck. Sign up sheets for Tuesday will be at the soda fountain. Be polite, no pushing.
The Family Woodcarving Workshop had limited seating. If you missed it we will have another one tomorrow. Bring your own Band-Aids. Owls may attend.
If you haven’t noticed it is full on Fair Hills fun. The cold weather hasn’t dampened our spirits. Tonight is Sangria. I need a nap. Dinner is in 45 minutes. I better make some more paracord bracelets just in case there is an emergency.
Pugsley and I rode back towards cabin 59. She commanded that I stop and warn Bill and Jackie that the girls made Sangria. Riding past Rich, Robin and Julia’s cabin I was greeted by Caleb (5) and Lucas (3) Lascink. I was not listening very carefully because I was concentrating on not running into the boys, a rock, or the cabins.
I stopped at the Balacko’s to hail Bill. I heard a small voice behind me. “You Should Wear a Helmet” said Lucas age 3. I said I normally do, and tried to wiggle my way out of the conversation. “You Should Wear a Helmet” Lucas repeated. You are correct I said and thanked him for his concern. “You Should Wear a Helmet”. I will wear it tomorrow I sheepishly answered. Satisfied with my response, he walked away with his blue gloves and adult sized putter to rejoin his brother.
What happened to Li? She was not at lunch or dinner. We had a guy, I can’t remember his name. He served us our food. He was nice. From DL I think. Did they send Li back to Transylvania?
I missed the marshmallow and book burning, and music mayhem Larry had going in the sand. She recommended we sit in the hot tub and shower before dinner. To hear, is to obey. I was allowed 10 minutes in the hot tub. A 10 minute head start and a 3 minutes on 2 minutes off, 3 minutes to rinse shower, like they do on submarines.
Team Brainy-Yaks faired poorly at the trivial contest. The Scanda-Hoovians cleaned up and won, one ice-cream sundae for all 50 of them to share. The rest of us went pack to our cabins to lick our wounded egos.
July 15, 2014
Clear skies this morning. 40ish degrees F. I am not walking today. Pugsley begged She Who Must to let us ride this morning instead of walking. We were allowed to ride.
The Girls left to walk. Pugsley and I hung back to prepare. I wore my helmet as per the suggestion of Lucas. We then rode over to the lodge to see if there were any Stragglers or Cross-Checks about. No other walkers were still there.
What we did see, quite openly from behind a bush, was Barb getting into the back of a Lincoln stretch limo with blacked out rockstar windows. Dave donned his black chauffeurs uniform and cap, and then slipped behind the wheel of the land yacht and drove off. I followed at a reasonable distance and saw her exit the vehicle near the kast off kids kamp. Pugsley and I arrived at the pick up point along with the short walkers. No one over 5′ 5″ was allowed. While we waited, ten young men from the KoKK marched towards us. They looked groggy but had nice hair. Unbeknownst to them was their destination. Most thought they were being taken to breakfast by speed boat. Their handlers were really going to get them closer to God by using a parasail.
When the long walkers arrived Steve brought us back to breakfast on the Big P, using Pugsley as a maidenhead.
The Girls made arrangements for us to torture the golf pro at Wildflower for a half and hour today. She pleasantly showed us how to lock our fingers together into some kind of Masonic ritual, bend zee knees and swing. I had such good luck removing sod toupes from the driving range that a scout from a local sod farm offered me a job. Just when I was about to give up golf forever I get a turd place award from the two club golf competition. Life is funny that way.
I just walked out of the Lodge, or is it the Pavillion? What do I see? A man dropping the kids off at the pool. That’s right. He did it right there in front of everybody. Some people have no shame. Others have no idea what I am talking about.
I think I should skip lunch tomorrow.
I was a little concerned when I walked into the snack bar and saw three beautiful women hanging around the counter. On closer inspection I realized they were not what they appeared to be. Then it got worse…. the FH staff gave them candy and the queens descended on the sand children.
There were some events today that eluded me, like the water slide. I have not been here in ten years but there are still bits of terra firma imbedded in places in me from the last time I tried the water slide.
I set up the paracord bracelet sweat shop in the snack bar this afternoon. Business was brisk to say the least. I showed up with 30 or so pre-made kid size bracelets. I was building bracelets as fast as I could for four hours and ended at the end of the Hoot with 3 left and 1 right. I must have made at least 20 more today. The parents ate them up. I will stay up all night tonight to make some more for tomorrow.
The big news today is Zappos. On one of my many sojourns to the Lodge I saw a huge Zappos box being carted to the UPS truck by it’s driver.
Now I know what happens to annoying children who won’t listen to their parents. For an additional fee the staff will box up your offending offspring and send them away for the day. When I got into the Lodge there was yesterdays Zappos box being carefully opened and a contrite kid emerged from within. He was reunited with his parents just in time for lunch. In a much smaller box delivered by the UPS driver were shoes for Dave K. The beautiful Beth S. got out her golden shoe horn and coaxed Dave’s dogs into some new shoes. Seven winners were chosen and each pair got to share in the glory and his closet.
Now that the guests at Fair Hills had been practiced in buffet etiquette, yesterday, and again at lunch today we were now deemed ready for the Smorg. We grabbed and moved like Ninjas. Cheryl was at the end of the buffet carving a joint of beef in case there was trouble. It is nice to see some things never change.
I don’t know how she did it, but Li was our waitron at the table we commandeered for the Smorg that was any where near our regular table. I think she is stalking me.
People were talking about hurting some nanny all day. Their diction was terrible. What they were really saying was something about the Hootenanny. I was so behind in my orders for paracord bracelets, the children chained me to a chair in the snack bar and gave me the evil eye. I got to hear the whole performance but was not allowed to leave my chair.
Pat is here now from Seattle. The Girls said he could sleep in, and not have to walk tomorrow morning. Instead he is destined to water ski later in the day. They will try and make me walk tomorrow anyway.
July 16, 2014
It’s a Beautiful day in the neighborhood. I did nothing today. I went to walk this morning and got as far as the tennis courts, bent over to tie my shoe and the next thing I knew I was seated in the snack bar watching Dallas drink his coffee and eat his ice cream. The next thing I knew I was in the dining hall appraising or new table arrangement. It looks like they installed a trap door under my chair.
After the lovely and talented Li made us breakfast, I found myself again in the snack bar making a few paracord bracelets. When I ran out of buckles, I ran out of the snack bar and back to cabin 59 to sulk.
Pugsley chided me for not walking this morning and expressed a desire to see Cormarant Village. Off we went and had a nice visit at the store in the village where I bought a bit for my screwdriver. We rode like the wind and just made it back for lunch.
Bunny and Thumper played with Wildflowers best ball. Then tennis. Then with El Diablo. Then they tried to rip their arms off using some sort of a board, water, and a speedboat. I think I was in the hot tub pontificating.
For the last few days I think I have been in and out of a food coma. You may see me on milk cartoons.
Later in the day the wee ones were Shanghaied and put on the Big P and removed from camp. Pirates were assembled to attack them so that the wee ones would appreciate their parents.
We were all invited to the deck to enjoy crooning and piano playing while we tried to get drunk before dinner or before the wee ones came back. It worked.
Carnivores were delighted by popovers along with their Prime Rib. There were other offerings available that did not compare, unless you had some kind of eating disorder. My vision started to blacken again as I swallowed my last bite of dinner. My food coma was coming full on again. Must get back to the cabin, I started walking, but ended up crawling the last few meters to cabin 59 and passed out.
I was awakened by Bunny and Thumper making preparations for the closest to the pin competition. The excitement literally permeated the cabin. Pugsley woke up and wanted to go too. We all rode over to hole 8 and waited with Saint Steven for the others to show up.
Name, rank and favorite ice cream flavor had to be disclosed before you could try to spank your ball onto the green. Bunny was the first to go and hitting it caused her ball to land Nine feet two inches from the cup lip. I used my calibrated eyeball to measure this from the firing line. Thumper was the next to try. I secretly sprayed Pam on his golf grips. He swung smoothly and as the face touched the ball his club flew out of his hands. The ball drifted to the right a few yards as the club made it’s way towards the green flipping end over end while making an amusing cartoon like whooshing sound. His club landed 15 yards from the pin. I love it when a plan comes together. The rest of the frightened contestants took their turn expressing their love of ice cream and spanking their balls to no avail.
After the official ball measuring and cash presentation. The lucky winners headed back to the snack bar to enjoy the fruits of their labors.
Shortly thereafter I passed out.
July, 17, 2014
I woke up early, but not to go walking. I need to finish yesterdays observations for your enjoyment today.
My food coma, vacation palsy continues.
She and the Girls and Thumper, Walked, Golfed, played in a Tennis Tournament, Ate, Ate again, Sunned, Sailed, etc.
I sat around and whittled and wrote.
I made a tiny chain for Madeline F.
Said goodby to my friend Charlie(6) who thought I was Santa.
Talked for over an hour with my homeboy Dallas.
Contemplated my future as an artist.
Checked for ticks.
Drank an iced coffee.
Annoyed the shop girls.
Used the rest room twice.
Smiled.
Nodded.
I might have farted too. I never trust them anymore.
This afternoon, Fair Hills has been over run by the Minnesota Weed Growers Association. They are outside the door on the deck testing its strength. It is a sea of Titilist and Foot Joy logos. I am sorry. The Minnesota Wheat Growers Association. Someone said they just had a golf tournament fund raiser at Wildflower. I imagine they were drumming up money for Celiac Disease Foundation.
I was commanded by She to come back to the cabin and have a libation. The girls made Bloomer Droppers. I had two and shared some with our neighbors from Colorado.
At dinner things got more interesting. As I walked up to the table I saw Li testing the trap door they installed under my chair. Lez allowed her to do this in case I became irksome in my ordering. I was the only one at the table who did not order the Lasagna. I ordered the pork chop and for dessert I requested the fish. I heard a creaking noise under my chair and quickly removed the fish from my order.
There was some illegal gambling going on when Thumper learned he was to pilot a hobby-horse after the talent show.
Supper was supped and Thumper was put on a strict alcohol regime until race time. As his appointed trainer and head catcher, I was tasked with making sure he was relaxed and well lubricated for the race.
The talent show had Divine elements and was not a drag at all. There was some quality acting and singing except for the Cinderella skit. Those were some of the ugliest woman I have ever laid eyes on.
Chairs were parted, and the torture horses were unveiled to the riders. Those of us who had attempted to ride these evil creatures in the past were contrite and respectful of what the jockeys had to attempt. Screams of laughter filled the Pavillion as the competition began.
Thumper squeaked out the win over Kelsey and Robin. The hobby-horses were whisked away to their stalls.
The bookie paid out our winnings and we had to give a third of our cash to the jockey.
With Bunnie winning Closest to the Pin yesterday, and Thumper winning the horse race tonite we will have trouble housing their egos in such a small cabin.
July, 18 2014
Hello Campers.
By the time you read this it will be time most of us to return home. We have about 4 hours with a stop at Charlies in Freeport.
Wind is the word of the day. Can you say wind? I knew you could.
Did anybody but me notice that unopened Zappos box by the office door? It has been there for now two days. I hope the kid in it is still all right.
They stopped letting me charge things to other campers rooms today. I guess I will have to find some cash.
I keep thinking about the TV show “The Prisoner”. Fair Hills is the “village” that the Prisoner is trapped in. The people who run the village want to know what the Prisoner knows. No one has a name, only a number. #2 runs the show. #6 is the Prisoner, Nobody knows who #1 is. Fun story so far.
I pretend I am #6 Running around Fair Hills trying to find out who is #1. I can’t decide if Dave is #2 and Barb is #1 or visa versa.
They use all kinds of trickery to get information from #6, like the Hoot, Smorg combo,Talent night, the evil Slide Show and the early morning walks etc.
” We want information ” “You won’t get it! ” ” By hook or by crook we will! ”
Yes, Judy. I took my meds today!
If you missed it, the bicycle tire changing demo was done out of the wind at the managers house this after noon. Proper rim strips and tire tools were subjects covered along with how to clamp your bike safely into a work stand.
I am sorry, tonights demo will have to be canceled due to lack of interest, and long windedness on my part.
Bunnie and Thumper are over at Wildflower playing 18 after playing 12 year old Scotch golf this morning. I hope they did not win this competition too. They are hell to be around with the Tennis, Golf and Pony wins.
El D and She are exposing themselves to the suns rays. I should start packing or take a nap.
I can’t The Lawn Boy just started to Snapper around the cabin. Barb must pay them extra to keep me awake.
Dinner is now only two short hours away. I envision myself as the character, Mr. Creosote in the Monty Python film “The Meaning Of Life”. Do not sit too close to me. And for goodness sake do not let them feed me ” One Thin Mint”.
I have survived the last supper at Fair Hills until next time. I hope clam chowder makes them louder because with the wind blowing I need to know.
We are off to the slide show soon and I had better not drink any more beer because I will fall asleep in my chair and drool on my pants in just the wrong place, and then no one will dance with me.
Thank you all for putting up with my family and Thumper this week. With time the hurting will stop.
Drive or fly safely home and have a great life.
Don’t even think about taking our table at the breakfast free for all tomorrow morning.
Love, Ben
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